Category Archives: Blatherings

Parts of a whole

October 26, 2010 10:33 | Leave a Comment |

There are parts of me I like and parts of me I loathe. But they all come together to make up me. I am parts of a whole whether I like them or not.

Recently it feels like there has been a shift towards heavily emphasising a person’s appearance. A show like The Biggest Loser appears to have made it acceptable to openly critique people’s appearance. I remember reading a comment somewhere in an article about the show that said it was rating so well because people wanted to watch the fatties suffer. It seems to be acceptable these days to put down and – well, to sound a like a little kid – be really really mean to people who don’t fit society’s concept of an attractive physical appearance.

I am not and never will be thin. According to all the scales, charts and body indexes, I’m at least five kilos heavier than I should be. I can get to 70km and that’s where the weight loss stops. For all my efforts, I still have a flabby belly. I seem capable of losing weight everywhere but my stomach. The problem is that girls aren’t supposed to have flabby bellies. I make a point of not looking in the mirror when I get dressed, which is a task because my wardrobe doors – they’re mirrors. I hate what I see. All I see is the flaws and fat.

I know I should accept myself as I am and learn to embrace it. But I can’t. I can’t do the fat acceptance thing. Maybe at subconscious level I think that if I’m skinnier, things will magically fix themselves and I’ll be successful, popular and everything in my life will just fall into place. I’ll get everything I’ve ever wanted. I feel stupid for even writing that down but I think it’s true. There’s so much emphasis placed on how we look that when we don’t come up to scratch, it’s natural to feel like a failure and an outcast.

My worth as a person shouldn’t be dictated by my appearance but I’m know that it is. The hardest thing I do every day is pulling on my cycling gear because there’s nowhere to hide in that. Every single flaw is on display. My legs are okay but I’m forever grimacing when I see my torso. I’m incredibly self-conscious but my love of being on my bike just manages to overcome it. The other thing is that I have to focus on what I’m doing when I am riding, I can’t be tugging at my clothes trying to rearrange them which is something I do all the time when I’m in my ‘street’ clothes.

I spend so much time wishing there was a magic wand to fix up my flaws. But if I woke up one day to discover my breasts had magically reduced overnight and my flabby belly flattened out, how long do you think I’d last before directing my criticisms to another part of my body? It’s in our natures as women to always find something about ourselves that we hate. If someone was to offer me breast reduction surgery done by a reputable surgeon I would do it in a heartbeat. The only reason I haven’t had it done is because it’s ridiculously expensive and I don’t have the money.

I wish there was an easy answer to my angst but there never will be. I will always be my own worse critic when it comes to my appearance. I don’t believe I’ll ever be able to fully accept myself as I am. I think there will always be a part of me that wants to hide away because I can’t stand how people look at me. I know the first thing they see about me is my breasts and I’ll forever be self-conscious about that. I wish society wasn’t so shallow as to pigeon-hole people by how they look but that’s never ever going to change and there will always be some arsehole who feels free to comment on my appearance.

I know I should try to step away from seeing myself as parts and work on seeing myself as a whole. The part I don’t like, the parts I do like – they are still all me.

Posted in: Blatherings | Tagged: , ,

Single girl angst

October 15, 2010 06:17 | 2 Comments |
What irritates me most is that we are still defining women by relationships. It just reflects this neediness about being ‘whole’ only if you’re in a partnership, about being validated as a woman only if you have a bloke. Once again, it is women who are made to feel like they’re going to miss out, and it is men who get the easy ride because some women are panicking. – Virginia Haussegger

Why is Jennifer Aniston the poster girl for single angst? by Rachel Hills, The Age.


After my relationship of eight years crashed and burned in spectacular fashion, I told myself no half-arsed relationships! Eventually. You know, after the endless months of moping around the house, being a wreck and wondering where it all went wrong. But still, came out of it thinking no half-arsed relationships. Which turned me into a bit of a freak because aren’t we all supposed to pair up and mate for life? Isn’t there something wrong with a person who’s perennially single?

There’s an enormous amount of pressure put on people, women especially, when they’re single. The general inference is that there must be something wrong with you if you don’t couple up as soon as humanly possible. I can feel the swirl of pity around me because I’ve been single for so long. It’s not even a conscious thing. People tut, then sigh and have this look on their faces that says they’re sure all my problems would be fixed if I’d just find a nice boy and settle down. Uh… I feel pretty settled as I am right now. And I’m not sure why finding a nice boy is supposed to the solution to all my problems.

It’s like all the single people are cluttering up the place, making it look untidy. Society doesn’t like it when people do something different and being over 35 and single definitely doesn’t fit the grand plan you’re supposed to subscribe to. Sometimes I feel like it’s been decided there must be something wrong with me because I’m not in a relationship.

I’ve seen too many examples of relationships where people have ended up settling. It’s not that they’re miserable or unhappy but there’s still something missing. I think people are afraid of being alone so they stay with someone when they know they shouldn’t. Settling sells everyone short and it ends up with both parties feeling less than happy and satisfied. I suppose that’s what makes me different because I’m not afraid to be alone. Still, there is this niggle in my head that maybe I’m wrong. Most of the time I can ignore it because I know with unshakable conviction that I’d rather be single and occasionally lonely then in a relationship with someone who – if I’m brutally honest – I feel meh about. Maybe that’s stupid, unrealistic and just plain dumb because it’s lead to the situation I’m in now where I’m always the person who upsets the balance of the table settings.

90% of the time I’m okay with disrupting the even numbers because I’m okay with where I’m at. It’s the 10% of the time that’s a concern. Guess which percentage I’m in right now? I think it ties into my inability to make good choices at the moment. I feel that when it comes to the relationship question, I’m not good at making sensible decisions so I opt to make no decisions at all. Better to just ignore it all and not deal with it than get myself into another situation where I get hurt. And that’s the problem isn’t it? I’ve been hurt too many times to be comfortable with putting myself out there.

There’s also the flip-side of the argument in that I simply can’t be bothered. I’ve been on my own for so long that I’ve filled the spaces in my life with other things and that doesn’t leave any room for another person. I suppose that’s my indicator that I’m really into someone – I’ll be willing to change my behaviours and make space in my life for them.

But this is all a moot point anyway if I won’t get out there and actually meet new people.

Posted in: Blatherings | Tagged: , , , ,

It’s not all about the bike

October 6, 2010 17:52 | 2 Comments |

Deeply shocking, I know.

But it can’t be all about the bike because I’m a person. Being a person means having a personality and stuff…

Lately I’ve felt like I need a great big mental tidy. I became extremely depressed after my birthday (as seems to be my wont) and had quite a few days where I simply couldn’t get out of bed or do everyday things like, uh… go to work. Funny thing is was I didn’t have a problem getting out on the bike and that left me wondering what was going on in my head. Recently I realised that I’m riding to stop thinking. Cycling used to be a time for me to sort shit out but lately it’s been all about avoiding the noise in my head.

I wrote this big long rant on my livejournal which is protected from the masses about my lack of direction and my feelings having no worth because I don’t believe I have any to show for my life thus far. I was reminded by someone who can see my LJ that Success is not a goal, not a finish line… Success is the journey. Funny thing is, I used to be all about the journey and doing things my own way but now as I’m hurtling towards 40, I feel like I’ve somehow messed everything up and will exit this life with nothing to show for it and having left no traces that I was even here.

For whatever reason I’ve started worrying about things that I have no control over. I used to be really good at letting things go but these days? Nuh-uh, can’t do it. But I have no idea why I’m doing this. It’s strange. On one hand I’m much better about living in the moment (courtesy of the bike riding – nothing like being terrorised on Heidelburg Rd every day to get you well and truly into the now) but I’m sucking at letting things go. It was my special skill, something I worked so hard to learn. Now I have to learn how to do it again and that feels really hard.

My adult life seems to be a battle against inner demons. And to be honest, I wonder how many times I can wage war on them and win. It does concern me that one day I might simply decide I’ve had enough. Not quite sure what that means as (and let me heavily stress) I’m not suicidal. Been knocked down so many times so I can’t help but wonder what happens when I get knocked down and can’t get back up. And it’s really weird to be thinking these things in an objective, calm fashion. They’re meant to be long dark teatime of the soul stuff that you think when you’re in throes of depression but here am I, contemplating them anyway. But what’s the answer, I have no clue.

Great, I’m having a mid-life crisis. Hoorah.

😐

I suppose I have trouble accepting myself. I have difficulty believing that I have value, that I’m particularly worthy or that I’m a good person. And then there’s my physical appearance which is a whole other area of mess-up’edness, which wasn’t helped by this article. Yes I know, I shouldn’t have read it but once I started I couldn’t stop. It was horrified fascination that someone could be so arrogant as to write something so downright nasty and actually get it published. And then there were the comments…

Not quite sure where I’m supposed to go from here. I’m going to try working on making better choices because lately, my decision making has sucked. The tricky thing is knowing what’s a good choice and what’s a bad one. My ability to work this out is seriously lacking. None of this is helped by the fact that I have no clue what I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve achieved a few of the markers of success (secure job, roof over my head, two university degrees, a car) but I don’t feel that they amount to very much. I’m envious of people who know exactly what they’re meant to do with their lives but I’m also jealous of people who have no clue yet don’t seem care.

I’m trying to accept myself as I am but it’s really hard when I don’t feel I measure up. And it’s not like I don’t have things I should be proud of. It’s not like I’m sitting idle on the sidelines, doing nothing. I’ve been overseas four times in four years. I’ve had adventures, met people, challenged myself and done things I didn’t think I could do. So why do I feel so dissatisfied and unfulfilled?

Posted in: Blatherings | Tagged:

Hoorah!

July 7, 2010 01:08 | Leave a Comment |

I have a place to live! And it’s even the one I really wanted.

It’s not huge or anything but it looks like it’s been renovated in the last five years, meaning it still looks really nice. It’s all neutral colours so my art will look good on the walls. I don’t have space for a washing machine which will be annoying as it means I’ll be doing a lot of hand-washing of my cycling gear. Gonna need a bigger bucket. I even have my own tiny backyard in which I might have a go at growing some herbs. There’s a car port which means my car won’t be at the mercy of the elements. I’ll probably have to lose some furniture but realistically how much do I need? The big issue will be making sure there’s room for my bikes.

And why did I really want this place? It’s just around the corner from the Chandler Hwy entrance to Yarra Boulevard. If I really want to, I can ride hills every day (but I don’t think so).

And why am I up so late during on a school night? Tour de France, stage three. They’ve just hit one of the long sections of cobble that they use in the Paris-Roubaix ride. Frank Schleck is down and it looks like his tour might be over. The start of the tour this year has been absolutely brutal. Crashes are part of the race but not like this. One Australian is already out and I’ve got my fingers crossed that the rest make it through the tour. I think this year just finishing would be a good result.

Wow… Lance Armstrong looks like he’s really suffering over the cobbles. Never thought I’d see that. Cadel is tucked up in a group that’s chasing down the leaders so who knows where he’ll end up. Love to see him win a stage. Love, love, love to see him in the yellow jersey.

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So, what’s doing?

July 3, 2010 13:21 | 2 Comments |

Umm… well, right now I’m off the bike. I’ve got a bung knee so the physio I’m seeing has asked I do no long rides this weekend. I’m allowed to commute to work but I have to tape my knee.

My knees started hurting about a week after my bike fit. My seat was put down and it turned out to be too low. I didn’t exactly rush to put it back up which was a bit stupid. The right knee has sorted itself out but the left is giving me grief. One trip to the physio later and it tuns out my patella has been scraping the tendons underneath it and the muscle on the outside is pulling it off-centre with every turn of the crank. The inside muscle isn’t doing its job of creating equal tension so my patella doesn’t move from side to side.

Kate – the physio – said she doesn’t think it’s too bad (she said she’d seen a lot worse) but it does need correcting. So now I have to flex my quaddie 100 times whilst tapping the inner muscle. Weird huh? Apparently the tapping sends a message to my brain to grow the muscle. I also have to tape my knee if I’m going to get on my bike. I’ve been cleared to continue riding to work but I’m not allowed to do any long rides at all. *pouts* She also thinks I may have a Baker’s cyst. These aren’t dangerous at all as it’s just a pouch of fluid that’s formed at the back of my knee. There’s not a lot I can do about it anyway except rest it and take some ibuprofen to get the inflammation down. I’m sure all will be revealed and hopefully resolved with treatment.

I have a sneaking suspicion that both my patellas get pulled to the outside of my knees but it’s never hurt before so perhaps it’s being pulled a little further than normal.

I chose a sports physio this time as I figured my knee is a sport-related injury. Knees are tricky too so I thought it’d be better to see someone who was more likely to be familiar with their problems. But lordy, did she hurt me or what? She did a thing called a muscle strip from my hip to my knee and I nearly cried. Basically, it’s her running her fingers down my leg as hard as she can right over over the bone to break up the muscle fibres. This forces the muscle to relax but holy crap, It was painful!! I’m also sporting a rather lovely bruise at the moment where she did the most work. Haven’t decided if it helped or not as it still hurts. I’m supposed to roll a tennis ball down my leg as hard as I can but I decided I’m going to wait until the bruising heals.

The scary thing is that she said she wasn’t even doing it that hard. The pros would get it done infinitely harder than what she did to me. I also think I detected a note a slight note of satisfaction in her voice when she said that. Perhaps I should be worried…

As for the house hunting, well lets not talk about that. Every time I think about it, I end up with this slight feeling of PANIC!! Looked a place today that was okay and am about to go see another. This one I think I really want so I’ve already filled in the application form. Hopefully that will put me at the top of the pile.

Posted in: Bike, Blatherings | Tagged: , , , ,

I’m hardcore baby!

June 20, 2010 12:31 | Leave a Comment |


Yup, I felt compelled to take a photo of my leg after I’d peeled off my overshoes and socks when I finally made it home this morning.

I’m so hardcore. 😉

It stopped drizzling about 15 minutes into my ride and I felt pretty good. Got all the way to Black Rock with it only drizzling briefly once or twice. It was when I’d turned around and started to head for home that the heavens opened. Today’s lesson was that rain coming in sideways on your face when you’re ticking along at about 30ks actually hurts. However, I pedaled past plenty of whimpy men who’d stopped to take shelter.

My thinking was that I was already saturated and I had no idea how long the rain was going to last so I might as well continue. It really took it out of me though. At one point I was thinking about finding the nearest train station but I figured actually finding one, waiting for the train, getting on it, heading into the city and changing trains to one that would take me home would’ve taken longer than simply riding home. I still would’ve been saturated but not moving so there would’ve been no body heat being generated which would’ve left me feeling utterly miserable. Plus I probably would’ve stunk the train out and been very unpopular.

And to show just how hardcore I really am, a photo of the back of my jersey before it went in the washing machine.

I am wondering if it will be white ever again.

But to turn to other things…

Viewed a few places yesterday. At one of them, the current tenant had a very sexy black Bianchi. (Geez, I really can’t get away from the bike stuff can I?). The first place I looked at was totally disgusting. And grossly over-priced. The last one was actually kinda depressing. It looked like it was currently home to a divorced dad with two kids that he got on the weekends. It was crammed full of stuff and there was hardly any room to move.

This probably isn’t the best decision but I’ve decided to be choosy about where I end up. I really don’t want to be somewhere crappy. I’m okay with spending more to have something nice. Worse case scenario plans are falling into place so I feel a little more relaxed about it then I did.

Oh, and I’m so totally digging the ads for the upcoming Tour de France on SBS’s FIFA World Cup coverage at the moment. After the Giro d’Aussie, sorry d’Italia, I think I might be having a few late nights in July.

Posted in: Bike, Blatherings | Tagged: , , , ,

What to do about zero motivation…

June 13, 2010 09:51 | Leave a Comment |

It’s 9:15 on a Sunday morning and I’m not out riding my bike. What’s wrong with this picture?

I have zero motivation to do so at the moment. I’m actually still lying in bed. I pulled my blind up a little so I can see that it’s not raining and probably won’t rain but I just can’t be bothered to get up. Plus there’s this whole thing of having my legs squeal in pain every time I move after yesterday’s heavy-on-the-legs group training session.

Whinge, whinge, whinge.

What I should be doing is remembering that it’s okay to not get on the bike every single weekend. That I am allowed to have a rest. The weather also isn’t helping. It’s hard to get motivated to get out of bed when you know it’s only around 6 – 8°C and if there’s any wind at all it makes it feel even colder. I am looking forward to the day when going for a ride doesn’t involve putting on multiple layers of clothing in an attempt to keep warm. It’ll also be nice to not have to ride in the dark so much, although it is pretty amazing to see the sunrise. I’ve seen a few where the sky looks like it’s on fire. Still, not going to miss the numb feet (even with fleecy overshoes) or the cold ears.

There’s also no rule that says I have to go for a ride in the morning. Maybe I’ll feel motivated later in the day to go out and that’s fine too. At least it’ll be a little warmer.

I suppose there’s an obvious answer to what’s causing my lack of motivation – this being that I have to find a new place to live as the owner wants to move in. If I’d decided to move off my own bat I think I’d have a much more positive attitude about it. Having a deadline by which we must be gone is more than a little intimidating. However, my brother put it best when he said I was looking at this the wrong way and I should embrace it as an opportunity for a fresh start. And I think he’s probably right.

Right now I think a fresh start would be an excellent idea. I’ve found myself feeling angry so much of the time and I feel really dissatisfied with the direction my life has been taking. I’m not a fan of the person I’ve become in the last few months so this is an opportunity to do something about it. To a degree I feel that I have very little control over what happens in my life and going out on my own again is a way to wrest that control back. New home equals new opportunities and a chance to work out what I’m doing at my own pace without any outside pressure or influences. Financially it’s going to suck as living on your own isn’t cheap but I’m choosing to think of it as investing in my well-being.

My first reaction was to panic. Two months seems like such a short time to find somewhere to live. But panicking serves no one and I need to have faith that everything will work itself out. It’s happened before so there’s no reason to think it won’t happen again. I just have to keep telling myself that I will find somewhere to live and that there’s no need to freak out. Chances are it won’t be my dream home but I’m sure I’ll find somewhere that’ll be okay. Also, if I’m honest, as much I love this house, there are some thing I will not miss about it – like the rather loud religious chanting in Greek that’s being played next door right now.

This whole growing up thing sucks. It’s not fun when you realise you’ve actually made a bit of a mess of your life. Still, helps to remember that life is nothing but progression – gotta be with the whole moving forward.

Posted in: Bike, Blatherings | Tagged: , , ,

Current favourite song

March 18, 2010 17:17 | Leave a Comment |

Waiting for my real life to begin by Colin Hay
Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
I’ll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I’m walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I’ll check my machine, there’s sure to be that call
It’s gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It’s just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

Posted in: Blatherings | Tagged: , ,

A summary of 2009

December 30, 2009 20:05 | Leave a Comment |

In the last year I…

  • celebrated the birth of my nephew;
  • had a car accident;
  • had my name printed in a comic book;
  • didn’t go to the Wallabies rugby game in Melbourne – first time I’ve missed a game since I moved to Melbourne;
  • celebrated Melbourne being awarded what will be a Super 15 franchise in 2011;
  • bought a lot of comics;
  • added about 26 new pieces of comic book art to my collection;
  • took some photos;
  • trashed my macbook pro’s battery by accident;
  • got new housemates;
  • learnt some new stuff, forgot some things;
  • discovered Nina Simone;
  • decided most of the music being put out at the moment is absolute crap;
  • discovered the awesomeness that is Avatar: the Last Airbender, Entourage, FlashForward and Castle;
  • felt it was money/time well spent seeing Avatar, Star Trek, Up, The Boat That Rocked, Sherlock Holmes, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and Watchmen at the cinema;
  • wished I hadn’t wasted my time and/or money on The Spirit, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Terminator: Salvation, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and GI Joe: Rise of Cobra;
  • wish I had seen Frost/Nixon, Milk, Let The Right One In, Ponyo, The Soloist, Mao’s Last Dancer and Zombieland;
  • discovered I can’t ski;
  • lost weight, put it back on and am trying to lose it again;
  • messed up a few things at work but it’s okay;
  • meet some new people;
  • had a genuine fan-girl moment when I had my photo taken with Jewell Strait;
  • stood on a beach in California;
  • spent a lot of time missing my peeps in America and was so happy to be able to spend time with them again this year even if it was just a few days.

I visited…

  • Los Angeles;
  • San Fransisco;
  • Seattle;
  • Christchurch;
  • Methven;
  • Sydney.

And because it is all about the bike, I…

  • started riding to work;
  • bought a new bike;
  • have ridden 2610 kilometres on my new bike;
  • rode around 800 kilometres on my old bike but I accidentally reset my bike computer;
  • have clocked up 937.28 kilometres on training rides since October;
  • bought my first ever pair of proper bike shoes;
  • bought a new, decent helmet;
  • have gone through three pairs of bike gloves;
  • wore out a set of brake pads;
  • discovered the joys of wiggle.co.uk and probikekit.com, much to the determent of my finances;
  • replaced my tyres which didn’t really need it;
  • broke my sunglasses on the way home from a ride;
  • bought a pair of Rudy Project Rydons;
  • completed my first recreational ride;
  • rode the furthest I’ve ever ridden, which is 68km;
  • fell off my bike twice – once on the old bike and once on the new bike.

I think that covers it.

Posted in: Blatherings | Tagged: , ,

My sort of xmas song

December 19, 2009 14:03 | Leave a Comment |

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