I’ve noticed a pattern. Something good is always either preceded or followed by something bad. It’s like I can’t have one without the other.
Things at work have gotten… umm… stressful. For the first time ever, I’m caught in the middle of a restructure. Plenty have happened around me (it’s a university, we restructure all the time) but this is the first one that has directly affected me. From where I stand, the process hasn’t been handled particularly well. There’s a lot of misunderstanding and defensiveness on both sides now and right now I can’t see how it’s all going to be resolved in a way that makes everyone happy. How we’re all supposed to work together, I have no clue.
I know that I should be worrying only about myself but I can’t help but be really angry at what’s being done to some of my workmates. I’ve worked with these people for over five years now. I see them every day. How can I not be concerned about what’s going to happen to them? Unlike them, I have the (dubious) fortune having a position to move to. I know I should be happy to have this certainty. However, I can’t help but have some doubts about what it’ll be like to work in the new group. The position description for the job I’ll be slotted into is vague at best and I’m not sure I want to be a “Content Analyst”.
Still, the daily work stuff continues as it always has and there’s a strong sense of solidarity in the team now. That’s one good thing to come out of the whole sorry situation.
All I can do is wait and see. The situation is out of my hands, I can’t change it.
It’s funny… I had a terrible week at work and spent a lot of time wanting to punch someone in the face but get me out on my bike and it just doesn’t matter. The stress just falls away. The weather on Saturday was – in a word – crappy. But it didn’t matter. I was with people I like, who make me laugh and I was doing something I love. Work is just work, it’s a means to end so I can do the things I actually want to do – like get totally filthy and saturated. Then sit around in damp bike kit, drinking cider at Little Creatures Dining Hall while my companions had a pint.
Sunday was another go-round of the Emerald Bakery Loop. The something bad of this was the stretch between Emerald and Kallista. I have no idea what happened but I was really suffering. I dropped further and further behind, I was gasping for breath and my legs felt like they were about to fall off. It was so incredibly hard and I still don’t know how I managed to get up the really tough section (3kms at about 7 – 9%). I felt sick and exhausted but somehow I did it. I wonder if the climbing is ever going to get easier or if it’ll always be this hard for me. Something good was that I had someone drop behind to stay with me for most of it so I had a wheel to follow.
Still, I had a ball flying down The Wall. When I hit 70km/h I figured I should probably slow down a bit as I was overtaking quite a few people, riders who had been 3 – 5 minutes ahead of me. Got to one corner and all I could smell was burning brake pads from the person who had gone through previously. Every time I get to the bottom of a descent like this I always have the biggest smile on my face. It’s an awesome feeling.
The descent down to Montrose was amazing as always. I don’t think I braked once and I managed to pick and stay on some excellent lines through the corners. I love it, just love it. Thinking about it now is making me smile. There’s nothing like the sensation of speed and the world flying past in a green blur. All those tiny movements you make on the bike which make it lean and shift with you. The bike feels like it’s a part of you, that it’s alive. It’s joy, pure and simple.
Something bad (work) countered by something good (bike and an unexpected development in my private life). The universe likes balance so I suppose this is the way it’ll always be.
And seeing it’s Free Comic Book day today – my review of Thor.
Based on the Marvel comics, I was pleasantly surprised by the movie. I had expected it to be all raaaaaaaawr!! watch me hit people with my hammer!!! (*sniggers*) but what I didn’t expect it to charm me as much as it did. Thor (the character) was incredibly charming and courtly whilst at the same time being immature and hot-headed.
The film is essentially a coming-of-age story. When we first come across Thor, he’s arrogant and a wee bit irritating. He thinks only of the glory of war and being a warrior. He does something rather stupid and his dad, Odin, banishes his arse to Earth to grow up a bit. Odin also takes the opportunity to separate Thor from Mjolnir, his hammer and the source of his power. He places a spell on it that will stop the unworthy from wielding it (ie: Thor). You can work out where the story is headed from there.
Chris Helmsworth does a fine job as Thor. He does the arrogance of Thor just right but is just a good when banished to Earth and is in a sorry state. He also seems to have rather good comic timing. And the scene where he has his shirt off… my, he was buff!! *fans self* He had great on-screen chemistry with Natalie Portman who played scientist Jane Foster (originally a nurse in the comics) who has a habit of hitting him with her car. Their fledgling romance is quite believable.
I was quite surprised when Natalie Portman signed up for the film. It was reported she did so because Kenneth Branagh was directing. Not the most obvious choice for director but a good one as he brought a Shakespearean deftness to the film. There were quite a few scenes that could’ve turned out horrendously melodramatic but with Branagh’s guiding hand, the scenes played out quite beautifully – especially the confrontation scene between Loki and Odin and the one later on between Loki and Thor.
I quite enjoyed the scenes where Thor was trying to explain to Jane about Asgard and how magic and science are the same thing for him. I especially loved the inclusion of the World Tree. Neil Gaiman writes a lot about Norse mythology and the World Tree so I was really pleased with its inclusion as it’s a mythology I’m really interested in. (Highly recommend Gaiman’s American Gods and I must admit I found myself wishing Odin in the film was a little more like Gaiman’s Odin.)
This is my one of my favorite Marvel films, pipped at the post for favourite by Iron Man. It’s not too long, it has engaging characters and a simple but well-told story that doesn’t excessively reference its comic book origins.
Yup, still at it. There’s not a lot of fruit left so the nocturnal visits from possums and fruit bats aren’t coming around as much.
And in an apropos of nothing, I’m contemplating revising my “no dating” policy. It’s not something I did intentionally. I wasn’t in a good head space for a really long time and the idea of dating stressed me out quite a bit. When did attempt to do the dating thing recently, it didn’t end well. That experience only served to reinforce the whole no dating thing. And besides, I always seem to be out on my bike anyway or I’m too exhausted to go out because of some enormous ride I’ve done in the morning. Who has the time for something as silly as dating when there’s cycling to be done?
Uh… me apparently. Or at least I’ve got room in my head finally to contemplate it. Does that indicate I’m in a better place now? Hope so.
Never in a million years did I think I’d defend The Biggest Loser. There is so much wrong with the show. It makes the denigrating of overweight people acceptable, an activity which has been taken on by the media and the general public with a vengeance. It’s now acceptable to laugh at “the fatties” and judge people solely on their physical appearance. Well, as a culture we’ve always done that but it’s far more pronounced then it used to be.
I also disagree with facets of the show, mostly the temptation competitions. They put bad food in people with obvious eating issues and tell them they can gain another week in the show by acquiring “immunity” if they eat the food and consume the highest amount of calories. The concept is reprehensible for a show that’s meant to be about helping people lose weight.
However, it was makeover week this week. The seven contestants left were given hair cuts, the girls got make-up and everyone got to chose new clothes. Once done up, they were all taken to a mirror by their trainer with their eyes shut and when ready, could open their eyes. And at that moment, I realised the show does have at least one redeeming feature.
It’s given those people their lives back.
They looked in the mirror and saw themselves in a way that haven’t in years. Sarah, the biggest female contestant who’s ever been on the show, has gone from a size 28 to a size 16. She was so deeply ashamed of the way she looked. Her life was a misery because of the way she looked. You’d have to have a very hard heart to not feel something when she strutted her way down the catwalk with such confidence.
However, it’s not Sarah I identify with the most. It’s Lara. Lara was just over 100kgs at her first weigh in. I’ve been there or very close to it. Unlike Lara, it took me over two years to shift the weight and get down to where I am now which is around 70kgs. Lara has done it in three months (allegedly – there is some question about timelines) and I can’t imagine what that’s like. But I understand what she’s been through. I know what it’s like when you feel like you’re totally out of control when it comes to food. I know what it’s like to feel so ugly as she said she did. I used to spend so much time pretending I didn’t care about how I looked but underneath it all I hated myself so much. That leads quickly to a vicious cycle of feeling horrible and rewarding yourself with food to feel better so the weight just piles on. It’s such an easy trap to fall into.
Without The Biggest Loser, I don’t think Lara would’ve changed her life in the way she has. I think that eventually she would’ve done something but the change wouldn’t have been as amazing as it has been on the show.
But I suppose that’s also something I have quibbles with. It’s easy to lose weight when you’re locked in a house with your own personal trainer, nothing to do but exercise and a chef to prepare your food for you. It’s totally unrealistic and I imagine it gives people unreasonable expectations of what they can achieve. There’s so much wrong with show. It does so many things I disagree with. However, it’s undeniable for those lucky enough to stay on the show for an extended period that it helps them enormously. They do change their lives for the better. Whether or not they manage to stick with it when they’re back in the real world is another story.
So yes, that’s one reason to defend The Biggest Loser. (And apparently to out myself as someone who watches it – oops!) Unless you’ve been there, you can’t know what it’s like to be the contestants’ position. It’s so easy for people to say “put down the food and get exercising”. Personal experience has told me it’s not that simple. I hope the people on the show have been given the psychological help so many of them obviously need.
To look in the mirror and admit that you hate what you see is a hard and horrible thing to have to do. But saving yourself is so rewarding. I hope the contestants on the show have learnt that.
I had to admit I’m going to be glad when all the fruit is gone. I’m getting mighty sick of midnight visits from possums gorging themselves on it and making a racket outside my bedroom window.
It’s starting to cool down here, not that we really had a summer. There were only a few days over 35°C and only two days over 40°C. Normally I’d be sleeping with a sheet and a couple of blankets for about another month but I’m already curling up under my doona. I had to break out the 3/4 length knicks for this morning’s quick spin on Yarra Boulevard. The cold air was a bit harsh on my lungs too.
What I that I learnt from my physio yesterday…
Fun fact #1: estrogen affects soft tissue. I didn’t know this but certainly explains a lot about what’s been going on with my back in the last few months. The pain has been cyclical in nature, getting bad for a couple of days then receding. Some months it has been really bad, others it’s just a twinge. Not exactly sure what can be done about that. Still, knowing what’s going on is helpful. At least I know I’m not imagining it.
Fun fact #2: women are more likely to tear their anterior cruciate ligament when they’re ovulating. All I can say to that is: *shudders as I rub my knees*
There wasn’t anything particularly extraordinary about her. She was your average, run-of-the-mill little girl. She had a wonderful family who loved her very much. She went to school, did average school girl things and discovered a love for books and reading.
As she got older, she tried out a number of different sports as was the norm. Nothing really fit until she turned to cycling in her final year of high school. That particular activity worked for her so she pedaled her way through a difficult year. She was fit, healthy, tanned and in great shape. She spent the summer at the end of that year cycling, swimming and generally being carefree. But all good things must come to an end and university beckoned.
Ah… university! On-campus living! It was her first experience of living away from home and of course, she did was all the other first years were doing and thoroughly misbehaved. There was too much alcohol and bad food consumed, the habits she’d developed the previous year went out the window. In the end the only physical activity she was getting was the daily walks to and from the university campus.
On occasion, she would drag her bike out and go for ride. When she got suspended from university for six months for poor academic performance, she really got into shape – cycling, swimming and going to aerobic classes nearly every day. But once again, upon her return to university, all thoughts of exercise slowly disappeared and she became lazy and unfit. But not excessively so. She put on a little weight but not too much as she didn’t have a car and had to walk a lot.
Time passed and she graduated from university with a pretty useless degree. She moved back to her home town and wondered what to do with her life. Much time was spent unemployed, schlepping around on the couch doing little. Finally there was employment and once again, exercise entered her life in the shape of walking to work each day. She was still reasonably trim at this point, not eating too badly and taking some care of herself.
Eventually she found herself in Melbourne, in a relationship that wasn’t exactly healthy. She was unhappy. Her partner was unhappy so they took comfort in food. Too much food. Too much McDonalds, KFC, Hungry Jacks, Red Rooster. Eaten all the time and each sitting would be an excess of food. The girl started to struggle to walk up stairs. The fit, muscled legs she’d had for so long started to disappear under a layer of fat. She still walked but it seemed harder and walking up hills was a torture. She wouldn’t let people take photos of her and never looked in a mirror when not fully dressed.
One day something really bad happened. The girl was changing the bed linen when all of sudden, her back started to hurt. It started with a twinge but then she found she couldn’t stand up. In fact, she couldn’t sit either. She was in agony and couldn’t move. She spent the day lying flat on her back, wondering if she would be able to walk again. When she finally had to go to the toilet, she threw up. The trip to the doctor was a pain-induced blur. The prognosis was a prolapsed disc in her spine. For the next three days she lay in bed or slumped on the couch, waiting for the pain to subside and trying to accept the fact that she would have to deal with this for the rest of her life.
But of course, all things must change. The relationship she was in? Well, it ended and it didn’t end well. For six months, the girl took comfort in food, eating all the wrong things. Her whole life was imploding around her. She hated her job, hated her boss, hated her life and well, she hated herself. She hated the fact that she could no longer see her toes when she looked down. She hated everything that she had become. The problem was it was at such a subconscious level, she was still kidding herself that she was okay physically. But it was all a lie.
She hated being in the office with her boss so every day she would go for a walk at lunchtime. She would spend an hour walking around the city. She did this for months and gradually noticed a change. Her jeans were starting to feel a little too big. She started feel a little better about herself and walking up a flight of stairs no longer left her out of breath. Movement seemed easier, she had to buy new jeans. She started to remember what it was to have a body that could move freely. And this was good.
Two of her friends were getting married and she was in bridal party. She decided early on that she didn’t want to be a frumpy bridesmaid so she joined the gym. Her first consultation with a trainer wasn’t a lot of fun. Finally she was forced to really see what she had done to herself. She was over 80kg and this was after she lost some weight. It was hard for her to accept that she was fat. Once she accepted the reality, she worked hard. Change came, the weight started to come off. She could run up a flight of stairs and not be out of breath.
Of course, there were times when she fell off the exercise wagon and put all the weight back on. She was constantly ill for one winter and had trouble just making it work, let alone go to the gym. But she always fought back and could remember what it felt like to be able to do things without being out of breath. The pain in her back had become a minor niggle. Life had become better. And then she rediscovered cycling…
The End (for the moment anyway)
Hi, my name is Lauren and this is a picture of me taken in 2002.
This was before I’d started doing any exercise and after years of eating badly. The thing that upset me the most about this picture when I finally found it was that I have fat ankles. I’m also not overly thrilled with how fat my arms are either. I find my posture interesting. What’s with the hunched over shoulders? It’s like I’d forgotten how to stand straight. There’s another picture of me taken on the same day where you can see my wonderful double-chin :/ I think that one can stay hidden.
Here’s an even better one from 2005…
Mmmm… aren’t I a stunner? (I did adore that skirt though)
The question for me is that how could I let this happen to myself? When I was 18 I was in amazing shape. I was a size 12 – 10 on a good day – but I still thought I was fat. It kills me now that I ever though that. I’ve had a good grounding in nutrition, I understand what a standard portion size means. I knew and understood the basic premise that if you eat too much fatty food, you’re going to put on weight. But I did it anyway. I ate enormous amounts of food. I ate too much and I didn’t exercise. I got fat, real fat for someone with my body type. I can’t even hide behind that lamest of the lame excuses I’m just big boned because I’m not. I have small shoulders and scrawny arms. I can’t say I have skinny legs because the cycling I did when I was younger put down a certain amount of muscle and it never really went away. But I definitely had more shapely legs then the ones I ended up with after years of gorging myself on bad food.
I wish I could go back in time and fix the mistakes I made when it came to how I treated my body. After all, you only get one and I’m fairly certain my weight caused the prolapsed disc in my spine. And of course I made it worse because I used it as an excuse to not exercise for a really long time.
The gym was good but I found I could intimidate the trainers into not giving me tough programs. That was until I met Tracey who saw through all my bullshit. She didn’t ignore my back problems but she certainly challenged me and changed my perception of what I was physically capable of. I discovered that I’d be holding myself back, hiding behind the excuse of my back when I could’ve been doing so much more. She had me doing exercises I was certain I couldn’t and lifting weight I thought were too heavy. And she was right, I could do it.
Of course, I don’t go to the gym any more. These days it’s all about the bike. And I love it. I love it so completely I can’t imagine it not being a part of my life. I still have so many issues with my appearance but for whatever reason, I can put them all aside when it comes to getting into my cycling gear and going for a ride. I don’t feel self-conscious when I’m on my bike, which is weird because there’s nowhere to hide when you’re kitted up. Okay, so the bib shorts are helping a bit but I find that I simply don’t care. The not caring – that’s a good thing.
Me today. Well, not today, taken a few weeks ago about halfway up to Kinglake.
I look at the photo and see all my flaws. I can see the pudgy stomach I’m probably going to be stuck with for good but it’s counter-balanced by the trim legs and slimmed down arms. I don’t have a double-chin any more.
I suppose I’m writing this because most of the time I focus on what I’m not (skinny, gorgeous, fabulously rich) rather than seeing what I have achieved. I never, ever pat myself on the back and say “well done”. I barely acknowledge that I’ve managed to do something that the majority of Australians apparently can’t. So go team me! I will always see myself as terribly flawed (and fat) but sometimes it’s nice to acknowledge that I did take control of my life and did something about the shape I found myself in.
To finish off on a musical note, Tim Minchin pretty much sums it up with this particular ditty…
Trent is working with his wife, Mariqueen Maandig, who just happens to have a gorgeous singing voice and Atticus Ross, with whom he just won a Golden Globe for best original score for The Social Network. The video for The Space in Between is creepy, beautiful and utterly captivating.
Already wondering when a full-length album is due.
I’m just really glad Trent is still with us as he is one of the most creative, original musicians alive. I think the world would be extremely dull if he wasn’t around so I’m glad he’s managed to get off the drugs and alcohol. He’s one of the few musicians around who’s still producing something unique which shows others that you don’t have to do the disposable, vacuous crap that’s passed off as modern music. And kudos to him for taking on the big music labels at their own game.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Ummm… did a 100km ride. In terrible weather no less.
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t do new year resolutions. They seem pointless.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not yet. One of my workmates is due to give birth right around xmas so there’s still time.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No and that’s a really good thing.
5. What countries did you visit? America (again) in March.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? I’d like to work out some of my “relationship” issues and maybe actually meet someone. That’d be nice.
7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory? To be honest this year has mostly sucked so I’m looking forward to it ending. No date in particular stands out.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I feel like I’ve made real progress with my riding. I’m proud of myself for making it up to Kinglake and then doing the Degani Kinglake ride, even though my back was giving me so much grief. I’m also proud of myself to sticking it out during the 100km Fruit Loop ride when the weather was so terrible and I really wanted to quit.
9. What was your biggest failure? The fact I’ve become so emotionally shut down. Does the fact I worry about being emotionally shut down means that I’m not?
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Tendon problems with my left knee and my back flared up again big time. I did better on the illness front. Only had one or two colds and I unfortunately got gastro at Easter. And how could I forget my trip to the E.R. when I crashed into a car?
11. What was the best thing you bought? Without a doubt, my Cannondale. Love her to death, especially now she has new wheels.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? My family. They always welcome me with open arms and make me feel part of something even when I feel totally cut off from everyone.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Car drivers who think it’s acceptable to to attack, abuse or generally attempt to terrify cyclists.
14. Where did most of your money go? Cycling stuff. Comics. General living. Living alone isn’t cheap.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I was pretty excited about my trip to America. It turned out to be the highlight of my year.
16. What song will always remind you of 2010? There isn’t one.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? – probably about the same.
ii. thinner or fatter? – thinner.
iii. richer or poorer? – poorer.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Made an effort to not be so socially retarded. And of course, there was always time to do more riding.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Over-indulged on bad food. Been such a social retard. It leads me to thinking that I don’t have worth, that I’m not deserving of love or affection. And I know that’s not true.
20. How did you spend Christmas? I’ll be spending xmas with my family. As I do every year. At least this year I’ll be able to watch the Doctor Who xmas special when it’s meant to be on.
22. Did you fall in love in 2010? Nope. Wait… does my bike count?
23. How many one-night stands? None. And I’m fine with that.
24. What was your favourite TV program? Castle. Sherlock.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Nope. Although I’m not too keen on one particular woman at work. Don’t hate her though. She just irritates me.
26. What was the best book you read this year? I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Umm… I don’t think I uncovered anything new this year. But I have developed an affection for music from the 60s.
28. What did you want and get? I wanted my Cannondale pretty badly. And new wheels. Got both of ’em!!
29. What did you want and not get? Umm… nothing is springing to mind. There are plenty of things I want but I can obviously live without them.
30. What was your favorite film of this year? How to train your dragon. And Inception.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was with my parents on my birthday. I turned 38.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I’m not sure why but I pulled away from everyone this year. I think I would’ve had an easier time if I worked out what was going on and attempted to fix it.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? The same as last year? Kinda found my fashion groove awhile ago and I’m sticking with it.
34. What kept you sane? My bike. Without it, I think I would’ve gone totally crazy.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? No one.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? I got really annoyed with the federal and state elections. The advertising was unbelievable. So negative and then when we finally got to vote, no one could make their damn minds up!
37. Who did you miss? As always, I miss my American peeps. It’s hard being so far away from people I wish I could spend more time with.
38. Who was the best new person you met? My cycling buddies, Rebekah, Helen and David.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever.
40. What are you most looking forward to in 2011? Uuummm… I really don’t know. To be honest, I’m just hoping it’ll be a better year with less emotional complications.
