Deeply shocking, I know.<\/p>\n
But it can’t be all about the bike because I’m a person. Being a person means having a personality and stuff…<\/p>\n
Lately I’ve felt like I need a great big mental tidy. I became extremely depressed after my birthday (as seems to be my wont) and had quite a few days where I simply couldn’t get out of bed or do everyday things like, uh… go to work. Funny thing is was I didn’t have a problem getting out on the bike and that left me wondering what was going on in my head. Recently I realised that I’m riding to stop thinking. Cycling used to be a time for me to sort shit out but lately it’s been all about avoiding the noise in my head.<\/p>\n
I wrote this big long rant on my livejournal which is protected from the masses about my lack of direction and my feelings having no worth because I don’t believe I have any to show for my life thus far. I was reminded by someone who can see my LJ that Success is not a goal, not a finish line… Success is the journey<\/em>. Funny thing is, I used to be all about the journey and doing things my own way but now as I’m hurtling towards 40, I feel like I’ve somehow messed everything up and will exit this life with nothing to show for it and having left no traces that I was even here. <\/p>\n For whatever reason I’ve started worrying about things that I have no control over. I used to be really good at letting things go but these days? Nuh-uh, can’t do it. But I have no idea why I’m doing this. It’s strange. On one hand I’m much better about living in the moment (courtesy of the bike riding – nothing like being terrorised on Heidelburg Rd every day to get you well and truly into the now) but I’m sucking at letting things go. It was my special skill, something I worked so hard to learn. Now I have to learn how to do it again and that feels really hard.<\/p>\n My adult life seems to be a battle against inner demons. And to be honest, I wonder how many times I can wage war on them and win. It does concern me that one day I might simply decide I’ve had enough. Not quite sure what that means as (and let me heavily stress) I’m not suicidal. Been knocked down so many times so I can’t help but wonder what happens when I get knocked down and can’t get back up. And it’s really weird to be thinking these things in an objective, calm fashion. They’re meant to be long dark teatime of the soul stuff that you think when you’re in throes of depression but here am I, contemplating them anyway. But what’s the answer, I have no clue.<\/p>\n Great, I’m having a mid-life crisis. Hoorah.<\/p>\n \ud83d\ude10<\/p>\n I suppose I have trouble accepting myself. I have difficulty believing that I have value, that I’m particularly worthy or that I’m a good person. And then there’s my physical appearance which is a whole other area of mess-up’edness, which wasn’t helped by this article<\/a>. Yes I know, I shouldn’t have read it but once I started I couldn’t stop. It was horrified fascination that someone could be so arrogant as to write something so downright nasty and actually get it published. And then there were the comments…<\/p>\n Not quite sure where I’m supposed to go from here. I’m going to try working on making better choices because lately, my decision making has sucked. The tricky thing is knowing what’s a good choice and what’s a bad one. My ability to work this out is seriously lacking. None of this is helped by the fact that I have no clue what I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve achieved a few of the markers of success (secure job, roof over my head, two university degrees, a car) but I don’t feel that they amount to very much. I’m envious of people who know exactly what they’re meant to do with their lives but I’m also jealous of people who have no clue yet don’t seem care. <\/p>\n I’m trying to accept myself as I am but it’s really hard when I don’t feel I measure up. And it’s not like I don’t have things I should be proud of. It’s not like I’m sitting idle on the sidelines, doing nothing. I’ve been overseas four times in four years. I’ve had adventures, met people, challenged myself and done things I didn’t think I could do. So why do I feel so dissatisfied and unfulfilled?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Deeply shocking, I know. But it can’t be all about the bike because I’m a person. Being a person means having a personality and stuff… Lately I’ve felt like I need a great big mental tidy. I became extremely depressed after my birthday (as seems to be my wont) and had quite a few days where I simply couldn’t get out of bed or do …<\/span> Read More →<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[4],"tags":[129],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hatfullofsky.net\/littlewords\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1403"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hatfullofsky.net\/littlewords\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hatfullofsky.net\/littlewords\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hatfullofsky.net\/littlewords\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hatfullofsky.net\/littlewords\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1403"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/hatfullofsky.net\/littlewords\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1403\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1839,"href":"https:\/\/hatfullofsky.net\/littlewords\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1403\/revisions\/1839"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hatfullofsky.net\/littlewords\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1403"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hatfullofsky.net\/littlewords\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1403"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hatfullofsky.net\/littlewords\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1403"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}